LOS ANGELES —
A Notes-app apology posted by former Velvet Theory singer Dex Marlowe, 41, went through more edits than his most recent album, according to a member of his team who has asked to be referred to as “a source close to the source”.
The 214-word statement, posted as a screenshot in grey text on a white background, was revised 14 times by two lawyers, a crisis communications consultant and a “wellness adviser”, who changed the word “sorry” to “deeply reflecting”.
His album, “Phoenix (Again)”, was recorded in a weekend.
The apology did not say what Marlowe had done. It referred to “recent conversations”, said that “mistakes were made”, and confirmed he would be “stepping back to focus on my journey”. It ended with a reminder that his comeback tour “is still going ahead, because the fans deserve that”.
A spokesperson for the invented Institute of Celebrity Contrition said the screenshot format is now standard. “A screenshot can’t be quoted out of context,” she said. “It has no context. That’s the beauty of it.”
Tickets for the tour are selling well.
The apology outsold the album.
This article is satire. The people, places, quotes and studies described are fictional.