LITTLE WOBBLING —
A Little Wobbling man has been told his backlog of unplayed games is now longer than his remaining life expectancy, after an actuary worked out how long it would take to finish everything he has bought in online sales.
Gareth Fennell, 34, owns 412 games, most of them bought during seasonal sales at prices he described as “basically free”. He has finished nine. Fifty-one have never been opened.
Working from average completion times, the Little Wobbling Institute of Unfinished Business calculated that Fennell would need 61 years of full-time play to clear the list, rising to 74 if he continues buying at his current rate. He is expected to live another 46.
“The sales are brilliant,” Fennell said. “Everything is 80% off. You’d be mad not to. I’m saving money, really.” Asked how much he had spent saving money, he said he would rather not look.
An invented spokesperson for the Bureau of Unfinished Games said the summer and winter sales were “a celebration of choice”. “We are proud to help players build a library they can enjoy for the rest of their lives,” she said, “and, in many cases, beyond.”
Experts say discounts work by making buying feel like the achievement. “The game is not the product,” said Dr Imelda Vance. “The purchase is. Playing it is optional, and most people opt out.”
The winter sale starts in December. Fennell has already made a wishlist.
He has 49 years left. The list doesn’t care.
This article is satire. The people, places, quotes and studies described are fictional.