NETHER STOWFIELD —
A Nether Stowfield 22-year-old said “I’m so tired” more than 400 times on Wednesday, according to a tally kept by her flatmate, despite having slept for eleven hours and eaten breakfast in bed.
Ellie Brackwater, a part-time barista and full-time napper, began the day at 10:40am by announcing she was “exhausted” to her phone, her ceiling and a delivery driver who had not asked.
“It’s not physical tiredness,” Brackwater explained from a beanbag. “It’s a vibe tiredness. It’s spiritual. It’s like my soul has forty tabs open.” She then said “I’m so tired” three more times while reaching for a charger she could not see.
Her flatmate, Priya, began counting at lunchtime “out of science and spite.” By 6pm the total had passed 300. “She said it while watching a video called ‘Ten Hours of Rain Sounds’,” Priya said. “She was tired during the rain.”
Dr Malcolm Fennimore of the Institute for Lying Down said the phrase had evolved. “For younger people, ‘I’m so tired’ is no longer a statement of fact. It’s punctuation. It’s how you start and end a sentence. Sometimes it is the sentence.”
Experts recommend sunlight, water and fewer screens, advice Brackwater described as “a lot”.
At press time, Brackwater had gone to bed at 9pm, announcing she was “so tired”, and was seen still scrolling at 2:47am.
This article is satire. The people, places, quotes and studies described are fictional.