SOUTH BLENKINSOP —
Scientists at the University of South Blenkinsop have formally confirmed that the phrase “on my way” no longer means a person is on their way, and now refers to a person “in the shower, thinking about it.”
The research team analysed 50,000 “on my way” messages and the actual location of the sender at the time. Only 6% of senders were genuinely travelling. The rest were in the shower (41%), choosing an outfit (27%), still in bed (19%) or “looking for keys that were in my hand” (7%).
“Our findings are clear,” said lead researcher Dr Lucy Hammersmith. “‘On my way’ is now a statement of intent, not location. It means: I am aware the plan exists. I have emotionally committed. My body will follow.”
The study also defined several related phrases. “Five minutes away” means twenty minutes away. “Just parking” means “just left the house.” “Here!” means here, but only if accompanied by a photo.
Volunteer Kate Ormerod, 24, who has waited for the same friend outside cinemas for eight years, welcomed the research. “I feel seen. I now arrive forty minutes late too. We meet in the middle. It’s the healthiest relationship I have.”
The team recommended replacing “on my way” with honest updates, such as “leaving in ten” or “I have not started getting ready and I am sorry.”
At press time, the research team was “on its way” to present the findings and had not yet put shoes on.
This article is satire. The people, places, quotes and studies described are fictional.