When a famous person does something bad, they do not call the person they hurt. They open the Notes app, type for nine minutes, take a screenshot and post it to 40 million strangers. This is called taking accountability. It is the only form of accountability that can be cropped.
The format is so consistent it has become a genre. Here is how it is done. My notes are in bold. They are not in the Notes app, because I respect you.
Step 1: The greeting
Open with “To my fans” or “To everyone who has supported me”. Do not address the person you actually hurt. They are not the audience. They are the reason for the audience.
A real apology is addressed to one person. A Notes-app apology is addressed to the algorithm, and copied to the sponsors.
Step 2: “I’ve seen the conversation online”
Never say what you did. Refer to “the conversation”, as if you have walked into a room where people were already talking and are bravely joining in.
Step 3: The passive voice
“Mistakes were made.” “Things were said.” “Hurt was caused.” Grammar is your lawyer. The sentence happened. You merely stood near it.
“Mistakes were made” is the only sentence in English with a crime and no suspect.
Step 4: “That was never my intention”
This is the hinge of the apology. You are not sorry for what you did. You are sorry for how it was received, which is technically everybody else’s fault.
Step 5: Your journey
Mention that you are “human”, “still learning” and “on a journey”. Nobody knows where the journey goes. It always seems to go past a brand deal.
Step 6: Taking time to reflect
Announce that you are “stepping back to reflect”. Reflection typically lasts nine to fourteen days, ending with a soft-focus photo of a beach and the caption “grateful”.
Ordinary people who make a mistake have to go to work on Monday. Famous people who make a mistake go to Bali and come back with a candle line.
Step 7: The merch
Close with a reminder that the new collection, tour or podcast is out soon. Accountability is important. So is the quarter.
Write your own
You do not need to be famous to apologise like a celebrity. You only need to have done something small and be unwilling to say so. Our Celebrity Apology Generator will write you a full Notes-app apology for forgetting a birthday, eating your flatmate’s leftovers or leaving the group chat on read. It is free. The accountability is not included.
The apology took nine minutes to write. The screenshot took one second. The reflection took a fortnight, in Bali.
The person they hurt is still waiting for a phone call.