Most people assume their obituary will be written by someone who loved them. A spouse. A sibling. A friend who knows the story about the canal boat.
No. If you die on a weekday, the first draft goes to HR. It has to. There is a process. There is always a process. The template was signed off in 2019 and nobody has updated it since, which makes it the only thing in the building older than you were.
I obtained a copy. It reads as follows. My notes are in bold, because nobody else will be taking any.
The Announcement
It is with sadness that we share the news that [EMPLOYEE NAME], [JOB TITLE], is no longer with the business.
“No longer with the business” is the exact phrase used for Darren, who left for a competitor. In death, as in a resignation, you will be announced in the same font as Darren.
[EMPLOYEE NAME] joined us in [YEAR] and quickly became known for their can-do attitude, their reliability and their willingness to “jump on a quick call”.
Eleven years. Three restructures. Summarised as a man who answered Teams. It is accurate. That is the worst part.
Achievements
During their time with us, [EMPLOYEE NAME] contributed to several key initiatives, including [PROJECT FROM SHARED DRIVE], [PROJECT FROM SHARED DRIVE] and the 2023 office move.
The 2023 office move. Carried a monitor down four flights. Got a thank-you emoji from a director. It is now in the obituary. It is the highlight of my career. I was not consulted.
They will be remembered for their contributions to the quarterly reporting process, which they described in their last one-to-one as “fine”.
Next Steps
This is where the obituary stops being about you and starts being about the actual priority, which is continuity.
- Their laptop has been recovered and will be reimaged for a new starter.
- Their inbox will be forwarded to their line manager, who will mark everything as read.
- Any outstanding expenses will be processed in the next payment cycle, subject to receipts.
- Their parking space will be allocated on a first-come, first-served basis. Please do not all email at once. Everyone emails at once.
Your desk will be cleared by Friday. The plant on it will outlive the memory of you by about four months.
Support
We recognise this may be a difficult time. Colleagues are reminded that the Employee Assistance Programme is available, with a typical wait of six to eight weeks, which should be enough time to be over it.
A card will be circulating. Please sign it. Please do not write “see you soon” again, Brian.
A Note on Backfill
To ensure business continuity, a job description has been raised. It is your job description, with the word “dynamic” added. The salary is eight percent higher than yours was. You asked for four percent in March. You were told it was “not the right climate”.
The climate has improved. You missed it by a fortnight.
What They Will Actually Say at the Coffee Machine
- “God, that’s awful.” (Day 1)
- “Does anyone know who had the login for the supplier portal?” (Day 2)
- “Is the card still going round?” (Day 4)
- “Sorry, who?” (Month 3, new starter, sitting at your desk, using your stapler)
Final Paragraph
[EMPLOYEE NAME] was a valued member of the team and will be missed. In line with our values, we will honour their memory by continuing to deliver for our customers.
That line is in every obituary they write. It was in the one for the coffee machine.
So, by all means, stay late. Answer the email at 11pm. Go above and beyond. The template has a field for it. It is a single line long, it is optional, and in the last four obituaries nobody filled it in.