GREAT MUDSWORTH —
A mobile phone in Great Mudsworth survived for 47 minutes on 1% battery on Monday, displaying what experts are calling “a stronger will to live than its owner.”
The phone, belonging to 23-year-old trainee accountant Leo Fenwick, reached 1% at 8:31am on the train. It went on to load two maps, send nine messages, play a full song and display a boarding pass for a train Fenwick was already on.
Fenwick, meanwhile, reported feeling “at about 1%” since 6pm on Sunday, when he remembered he had work in the morning. “The phone kept going,” he said. “I respect it. I aspire to it. I was at 1% and I couldn’t open a yoghurt.”
Battery scientist Dr Imogen Fale said the phenomenon was well known. “Phones at 1% are capable of extraordinary things. We believe it’s fear. The phone knows. It sees the charger in your bag and it decides to live.”
Asked how people could find the same energy, Dr Fale suggested going to bed before midnight. Fenwick described this as “extreme.”
The phone finally died at 9:18am, one minute after Fenwick arrived at his desk, which colleagues described as “honestly quite noble.”
At press time, Fenwick was charging the phone with the cable from his colleague’s desk and had not been charged himself since Friday.
This article is satire. The people, places, quotes and studies described are fictional.