NETHER STOWFIELD —
A Nether Stowfield 22-year-old has described a slightly late bus as “honestly traumatising,” continuing a run of everyday inconveniences she has given dramatic names.
Bethany Carrow told friends the number 14 bus was “four minutes late and I’m still processing it.” She then got on, sat down in an empty seat and listened to music for the rest of the journey.
Over the past week, Carrow has also described the following as “traumatising”: her toast landing butter-side down, a self-checkout asking her to “wait for assistance,” and a dog in the park that looked at her “in a judgemental way.”
Friends say the language is affectionate rather than serious. “She’s not actually upset,” said her friend Zara. “It’s just how we talk. If your phone dies, it’s a crisis. If your nails chip, it’s a tragedy. If something genuinely bad happens, you have to say it in a quiet voice so people know.”
Language researcher Dr Keith Amberley said the shift was worth noticing. “When small things get big words, big things can be harder to talk about. It’s worth keeping a few words for the days that really need them.”
Carrow agreed, then described the queue for the bathroom as “a war crime,” which Dr Amberley said was “exactly what I mean.”
At press time, the number 14 bus was running on time, which Carrow described as “weirdly unsettling.”
This article is satire. The people, places, quotes and studies described are fictional.