SOUTH BLENKINSOP —
A South Blenkinsop office worker who began “quiet quitting” in March has confirmed that, eight months in, her employer has noticed absolutely nothing.
Jade Oduya, 24, said she decided to do “exactly what’s in my job description and not one email more” after reading about the trend online. She logs off at 5pm sharp, ignores messages on weekends and no longer volunteers to organise birthday cakes.
“I thought it would be a statement,” Oduya said. “I thought someone would say something. I was ready for a meeting. I had my answers written down.” Nobody has called a meeting.
Her line manager, Steve, said Oduya was “doing great” and “one of the steady ones.” Asked whether he had noticed a change in her attitude, he replied, “Has she had a haircut?”
Internal figures showed her productivity was “basically the same, maybe better,” which experts said was the most upsetting possible outcome. “You protest, and it turns out the extra work never mattered,” said workplace analyst Dr Tom Brannigan. “That’s not quiet quitting. That’s quietly finding out.”
Oduya said she had considered quietly quitting harder but feared it would get her promoted.
At press time, the office birthday cake rota had collapsed and the company was holding an emergency meeting about morale.
This article is satire. The people, places, quotes and studies described are fictional.