Life coaching is a fast-growing industry with no required qualification, which is the same as being a pirate, but with better teeth.
Most coaches speak a dialect called Funnel. It sounds warm, supportive and full of belief in you. It is mostly the sound of a card reader warming up. Here is the translation.
- “I used to be just like you.”
- Broke. Then I found people like you.
- “This isn’t about the money.”
- It’s £4,999. The early-bird price ends at midnight. It always ends at midnight.
- “Invest in yourself.”
- Invest in me.
- “Only three spots left.”
- The software says that to everyone. The software has said it since 2023.
- “I’m not a guru, I’m a guide.”
- Same price.
- “I hit rock bottom.”
- I moved back in with my parents for two weeks in 2019.
- “I’m living proof it works.”
- I’m living proof that selling it works.
- “Your limiting beliefs are holding you back.”
- Your belief that this is too expensive is holding me back.
- “Step into your power.”
- Step into my funnel.
- “Get comfortable being uncomfortable.”
- Especially at checkout.
- “Join my inner circle.”
- It’s a WhatsApp group. It’s £300 a month. I don’t reply.
- “Results may vary.”
- Mine haven’t. I get paid every time.
How to spot a coach who isn’t selling you a funnel
They have a qualification you can look up. They talk about what they can’t help with. They don’t have a countdown timer. They have never once used the word “unstoppable” about themselves, or about you.
They exist. They’re just quieter, because they’re working instead of posting.
If you’ve already paid, don’t feel bad. Feel informed. That’s the only course with a guaranteed outcome, and you’ve just finished it, free.
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