NETHER STOWFIELD —
A Nether Stowfield man who announced at 11:02pm on Saturday that he would play “just one more game” of Warzone was still playing when the sun came up, sources confirmed at 6:41am.
Lewis Okafor, 24, said he had intended to stop after a single game “to end on a win”. He lost. He then played another game to make up for it, and another to make up for that. By 2am he had stopped counting. By 4am the birds had started.
“You can’t go to bed on a loss,” Okafor explained, his eyes very wide. “It’s bad energy. You carry it into the week. So you play one more. And then the matchmaking puts you with people who are clearly asleep, so that doesn’t count. So you play one more.”
Like most online games, from Warzone to EA Sports FC, the next match is a single button press away, and the button is right where your thumb already is. Researchers at the invented Nether Stowfield Sleep Council call this “the five-second window”.
“The only moment a player might stop is the gap between matches,” said a council spokesperson. “Games have become very, very good at making that gap feel like a waste of time. It was never a waste of time. It was bedtime.”
Okafor finished his session at 7:12am with a win, and described himself as “at peace”.
He has work in two hours.
This article is satire. The people, places, quotes and studies described are fictional.