LOWER THRUMBLEY —
A team of astrophysicists at the Lower Thrumbley Institute for Long-Term Disappointment has confirmed that the universe will reach heat death before the average workplace pension matures, once annual management fees and two further rises in the retirement age are taken into account.
The 400-page study, which nobody funded and three people have read, compared the expected lifespan of the cosmos with the projected payout date of a typical pension scheme opened in 2019. The universe won “by a margin that is honestly embarrassing,” according to lead author Dr Imelda Coggs.
“We assumed there would be some overlap,” Dr Coggs said. “A few good years where the stars are still on and the pension is finally paying out. There isn’t. By the time the fund releases its first payment, the last star will have gone out and the account will be charging a dormancy fee to nobody.”
The research found that each time a member logs in to check their projected retirement income, the retirement age rises by one year. Researchers described this as “the only reliable constant in physics.”
Pension providers have responded calmly. “We would remind members that the value of investments can go down as well as up,” said a spokesperson for Hargate Mutual, reading from a card. “And that the universe can go down as well as out. That’s in the small print, page 61.”
The study also modelled alternative scenarios, including members saving more, members saving earlier, and members “simply winning something”. In all three, the universe still ended first, though in the third scenario the member did get a nice conservatory.
Local man Desmond Fairweather, 38, said the findings had changed nothing. “I was never going to retire anyway,” he said, at his desk, at 7:40pm. “This just makes it feel more scientific.”
The Institute has since applied for further funding to investigate whether the sun will consume the Earth before the average GP appointment becomes available. Early results are described as “close.”
This article is satire. The people, places, quotes and studies described are fictional.