Both parties say this is the most important election of your lifetime.
They said that last time. Your lifetime is very important.
— Zack, unqualified
VERIFIEDUNHELPFUL
ABOUT THE RED TAPE FILE
Red tape quotes, for anyone whose call is important to someone, somewhere.
Quotes for the consultation nobody read, the form that needs a form, the pothole with its own fan page and the election night that turned into a week. Every side gets the same treatment here. Zack has been on hold since 2019. He has learned many lessons. None of them were the ones promised.
MORE FROM THE RED TAPE FILE
- 01You received 40 fundraising texts today.Democracy needs $5 by midnight. Every midnight.
- 02The council listened to your feedback.Then it did the thing anyway, but with listening.
- 03Your call is important to us.Not important enough to answer, but important.
- 04Lessons will be learned.By whom, and when, will also be learned. Eventually. Possibly.
YOU’VE BEEN WARNED
Keep falling.
It doesn’t get better. It does get funnier.
COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY STATISTICNo. 001
2 a.m.
is when the brain schedules its annual review of everything you said in 2014. Attendance is mandatory. There is no appeal.
SOURCE: NIGHT-TIME OVERTHINKING AGENCY
THE SADIST TIMES · WORKPLACEREAD →
AREA MAN'S "QUICK QUESTION" ENTERS FOURTH HOUR; COLLEAGUE'S YOUTH DECLARED LOST
Colleague who said "sure" has missed lunch, two meetings and the changing of the seasons, and will not be compensated.
FORECAST · 10 SECONDSTOOL
Ruin My Day
Our forecasting department has never been wrong. It just hadn’t got round to you.
RUIN IT →QUOTE · GEN ZNo. 004
You "love deeply".
Mostly a fictional man who doesn't know you exist. Neither do his writers.
BAD ADVICENo. 005
How to Go Viral (By Accident, Once, Never Again)
- Study what's trending.
- Make a video with careful lighting and a hook in the first three seconds.
- Post it.
QUOTE · RED TAPENo. 006
You received 40 fundraising texts today.
Democracy needs $5 by midnight. Every midnight.
HALL OF BAD DECISIONS · EXHIBITNo. 007
The Thirty-Minute Window
I'd read that micro-dating was efficient, so I suggested a 30-minute coffee. She agreed and set a timer on the table. Visible. Face up.…
CONFESSED BY CALLUM, SWINDON
QUOTE · FITNESSNo. 008
The hardest part of working out is getting started.
You've made sure it stays the hardest part.
LOADING MORE DISAPPOINTMENT…
you could stop. you won’t.
ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP. STILL MORE ACCURATE THAN YOUR HOROSCOPE.
Newsletter / Issue No. 445
THE WEEKLY DISAPPOINTMENT
One email a week. Advice you didn't ask for, statistics about your decline, and observations that will quietly ruin your Sunday.
No spam. Just disappointment. Unsubscribe whenever you regain hope.