Lessons will be learned.
By whom, and when, will also be learned. Eventually. Possibly.
— Zack, unqualified
VERIFIEDUNHELPFUL
ABOUT THE RED TAPE FILE
Red tape quotes, for anyone whose call is important to someone, somewhere.
Quotes for the consultation nobody read, the form that needs a form, the pothole with its own fan page and the election night that turned into a week. Every side gets the same treatment here. Zack has been on hold since 2019. He has learned many lessons. None of them were the ones promised.
MORE FROM THE RED TAPE FILE
- 01Both parties say this is the most important election of your lifetime.They said that last time. Your lifetime is very important.
- 02You received 40 fundraising texts today.Democracy needs $5 by midnight. Every midnight.
- 03The council listened to your feedback.Then it did the thing anyway, but with listening.
- 04Your call is important to us.Not important enough to answer, but important.
YOU’VE BEEN WARNED
Keep falling.
It doesn’t get better. It does get funnier.
COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY STATISTICNo. 001
1 in 4
adults has nodded confidently at a pension statement without understanding a word. The statement assumes you'll retire. Adorable.
SOURCE: RETIREMENT CONFUSION BUREAU (RETIRING NEVER)
THE SADIST TIMES · RED TAPEREAD →
COUNCIL SPOKESPERSON CONFIRMS LESSONS WILL BE LEARNED, DECLINES TO SAY WHICH OR BY WHOM
Statement contains the words “review”, “ongoing” and “absolutely”, but no lessons.
GENZ · 30 SECONDSTOOL
Screen Time Autopsy
A formal post-mortem on the hours you will never get back.
START THE AUTOPSY →QUOTE · RED TAPENo. 004
Your call is important to us.
Not important enough to answer, but important.
BAD ADVICENo. 005
How to Respond to Emails (Eventually, Never)
- Open an email.
- Mark it as unread so you "remember to reply."
- Forget completely.
QUOTE · PARENTINGNo. 006
A tidy playroom lasts exactly as long as it takes to photograph.
The photo will outlast your sanity.
HALL OF BAD DECISIONS · EXHIBITNo. 007
A Café For People Who Hate Cafés
My idea was a café for introverts. No music, no chatting, you ordered by writing on a little card. It was so quiet that…
CONFESSED BY OLU, MANCHESTER
QUOTE · RED TAPENo. 008
You received 40 fundraising texts today.
Democracy needs $5 by midnight. Every midnight.
LOADING MORE DISAPPOINTMENT…
you could stop. you won’t.
ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP. STILL MORE ACCURATE THAN YOUR HOROSCOPE.
Newsletter / Issue No. 445
THE WEEKLY DISAPPOINTMENT
One email a week. Advice you didn't ask for, statistics about your decline, and observations that will quietly ruin your Sunday.
No spam. Just disappointment. Unsubscribe whenever you regain hope.