Your call is important to us.
Not important enough to answer, but important.
— Zack, unqualified
VERIFIEDUNHELPFUL
ABOUT THE RED TAPE FILE
Red tape quotes, for anyone whose call is important to someone, somewhere.
Quotes for the consultation nobody read, the form that needs a form, the pothole with its own fan page and the election night that turned into a week. Every side gets the same treatment here. Zack has been on hold since 2019. He has learned many lessons. None of them were the ones promised.
MORE FROM THE RED TAPE FILE
- 01Lessons will be learned.By whom, and when, will also be learned. Eventually. Possibly.
- 02Both parties say this is the most important election of your lifetime.They said that last time. Your lifetime is very important.
- 03You received 40 fundraising texts today.Democracy needs $5 by midnight. Every midnight.
- 04The council listened to your feedback.Then it did the thing anyway, but with listening.
YOU’VE BEEN WARNED
Keep falling.
It doesn’t get better. It does get funnier.
COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY STATISTICNo. 001
1 in 4
adults has nodded confidently at a pension statement without understanding a word. The statement assumes you'll retire. Adorable.
SOURCE: RETIREMENT CONFUSION BUREAU (RETIRING NEVER)
THE SADIST TIMES · GEN ZREAD →
LOCAL ‘SIDE HUSTLE’ POSTS RECORD QUARTER: £11, ALL FROM OWNER'S NAN
Business plan included a logo, a podcast and a five-year forecast. Revenue included one bracelet.
GENERATOR · 5 SECONDSTOOL
Quote Generator
Fresh demotivation on demand. Unlimited. Like your excuses.
GENERATE ONE →QUOTE · RED TAPENo. 004
Lessons will be learned.
By whom, and when, will also be learned. Eventually. Possibly.
BAD ADVICENo. 005
How to Use AI to Do Your Job Until It Does It Without You
- Ask the AI to write your report.
- Receive a confident, well-formatted report.
- Notice it has invented a colleague named Gerald.
QUOTE · RED TAPENo. 006
Both parties say this is the most important election of your lifetime.
They said that last time. Your lifetime is very important.
HALL OF BAD DECISIONS · EXHIBITNo. 007
Human Intelligence
I noticed people were fed up with chatbots, so I launched a service called RealPerson, where you message and a genuine human answers. The…
CONFESSED BY OWEN, CARDIFF
QUOTE · GEN ZNo. 008
You hyped your mate's mixtape.
You've never listened to it. Neither has anyone. Including your mate.
LOADING MORE DISAPPOINTMENT…
you could stop. you won’t.
ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP. STILL MORE ACCURATE THAN YOUR HOROSCOPE.
Newsletter / Issue No. 445
THE WEEKLY DISAPPOINTMENT
One email a week. Advice you didn't ask for, statistics about your decline, and observations that will quietly ruin your Sunday.
No spam. Just disappointment. Unsubscribe whenever you regain hope.