You received 40 fundraising texts today.
Democracy needs $5 by midnight. Every midnight.
— Zack, unqualified
VERIFIEDUNHELPFUL
ABOUT THE RED TAPE FILE
Red tape quotes, for anyone whose call is important to someone, somewhere.
Quotes for the consultation nobody read, the form that needs a form, the pothole with its own fan page and the election night that turned into a week. Every side gets the same treatment here. Zack has been on hold since 2019. He has learned many lessons. None of them were the ones promised.
MORE FROM THE RED TAPE FILE
- 01The council listened to your feedback.Then it did the thing anyway, but with listening.
- 02Your call is important to us.Not important enough to answer, but important.
- 03Lessons will be learned.By whom, and when, will also be learned. Eventually. Possibly.
- 04Both parties say this is the most important election of your lifetime.They said that last time. Your lifetime is very important.
YOU’VE BEEN WARNED
Keep falling.
It doesn’t get better. It does get funnier.
COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY STATISTICNo. 001
2 a.m.
is when the brain schedules its annual review of everything you said in 2014. Attendance is mandatory. There is no appeal.
SOURCE: NIGHT-TIME OVERTHINKING AGENCY
THE SADIST TIMES · LOCALREAD →
LOCAL MAN MONEYMAXXES HIS WAY TO $3.12 IN CASHBACK, SPENDS 400 HOURS OF FINITE LIFE DOING IT
Seven cards, four apps and one colour-coded spreadsheet deliver returns described by experts as "technically positive" and by his partner as "the end".
GENZ · 15 SECONDSTOOL
Group Chat Roles
Type your friends’ names. Zack assigns everyone a role. Send it to the group. Friendships may end.
ASSIGN ROLES →QUOTE · GEN ZNo. 004
You said you'd "touch grass" this weekend.
You took a photo of grass, posted it, and checked how many people liked the grass.
BAD ADVICENo. 005
How to Make Friends as an Adult (Statistically, You Won't)
- Join a class to "meet new people."
- Sit near someone who seems normal.
- Talk about the weather for six consecutive weeks.
QUOTE · GEN ZNo. 006
You film "Sunday reset" videos.
By Tuesday your room has reset itself, to Saturday.
HALL OF BAD DECISIONS · EXHIBITNo. 007
The Bread Maker
I bought a bread maker because I'd convinced myself I was going to become someone who wakes up to fresh bread. It made one…
CONFESSED BY MARCUS, CARDIFF
QUOTE · RED TAPENo. 008
Your call is important to us.
Not important enough to answer, but important.
LOADING MORE DISAPPOINTMENT…
you could stop. you won’t.
ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP. STILL MORE ACCURATE THAN YOUR HOROSCOPE.
Newsletter / Issue No. 445
THE WEEKLY DISAPPOINTMENT
One email a week. Advice you didn't ask for, statistics about your decline, and observations that will quietly ruin your Sunday.
No spam. Just disappointment. Unsubscribe whenever you regain hope.