You flipped a water bottle on Monday morning just to feel something.
It landed. Enjoy that. It's the last thing this week that will.
— Zack, unqualified
VERIFIEDUNHELPFUL
ABOUT THE MONDAY FILE
Monday quotes, for anyone whose alarm isn’t what woke them up.
Quotes for the dread, the reply-all from Friday, the coffee that only makes you awake enough to notice, and the Sunday-night plan that Monday read, laughed at and forwarded to Tuesday. Zack does not do Monday motivation. He does Monday accuracy.
MORE FROM THE MONDAY FILE
- 01Monday is a perfectly normal day.You've got about two thousand more of them. Count them.
- 02Rise and grind.Your teeth have been grinding all night. Your dentist bought a boat.
- 03Every Monday you swear this week will be different.You've sworn it nine hundred times. The week stopped listening.
- 04Monday morning has the energy of a printer that knows you're in a hurry.The printer has better job security.
- 05The weekend is two days long.Monday is nine emotional days long, and you're paid for one.
- 06Your alarm didn't wake you.The dread did. It doesn't have a snooze button.
- 07Start the week strong.Or at 9:14, camera off, pretending your face is a buffering icon.
- 08Nobody has ever said "thank goodness it's Monday".Except a manager, and he meant your Monday, not his.
YOU’VE BEEN WARNED
Keep falling.
It doesn’t get better. It does get funnier.
COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY STATISTICNo. 001
65%
of password resets happen because the person was certain they'd remember this one. Your memory is a subscription now, and it's lapsed.
SOURCE: CYBERSECURITY OVERCONFIDENCE PANEL
THE SADIST TIMES · GEN ZREAD →
MAN, 24, TREATS 'OPENING AN EMAIL' AS A SELF-CARE MILESTONE, BOOKS DAY OFF TO RECOVER
The email, from his dentist, confirmed an appointment he had already missed.
GENZ · 90 SECONDSTOOL
Make Your Character
Twelve questions, one trading card, six stats. Your stats are not good, bestie.
MAKE YOURS →QUOTE · MONDAYNo. 004
Nobody has ever said "thank goodness it's Monday".
Except a manager, and he meant your Monday, not his.
BAD ADVICENo. 005
How to Set Boundaries (You Won't, but Read Anyway)
- Read an article about setting boundaries.
- Feel empowered.
- Get asked to help someone move house on Saturday.
QUOTE · LOVENo. 006
True love is choosing the same person every day.
They're choosing, daily, whether to mention your chewing.
HALL OF BAD DECISIONS · EXHIBITNo. 007
Forty Rolls Of Tape
I needed one roll of parcel tape. The website said "bulk deal" and something in my brain decided this was a bargain. I ordered…
CONFESSED BY HANNAH, NORWICH
QUOTE · MONDAYNo. 008
Monday motivation is a myth.
Like the Loch Ness Monster, a clean office microwave, or your retirement.
LOADING MORE DISAPPOINTMENT…
you could stop. you won’t.
ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP. STILL MORE ACCURATE THAN YOUR HOROSCOPE.
Newsletter / Issue No. 444
THE WEEKLY DISAPPOINTMENT
One email a week. Advice you didn't ask for, statistics about your decline, and observations that will quietly ruin your Sunday.
No spam. Just disappointment. Unsubscribe whenever you regain hope.