Skip to content (we won't be offended)

THE MONDAY FILE / 17 QUOTES / APPROVED BY NOBODY

Monday quotes, for anyone whose alarm isn’t what woke them up.

Quotes for the dread, the reply-all from Friday, the coffee that only makes you awake enough to notice, and the Sunday-night plan that Monday read, laughed at and forwarded to Tuesday. Zack does not do Monday motivation. He does Monday accuracy.

Monday will happen again in a few days whatever you do, so you may as well have something to send. Post one at 8:59 to show you are online. Post one at 9:14 to show you are not. Zack works Mondays too. He has simply stopped pretending it is a fresh start.

ALL 17 MONDAY QUOTES

  1. 01Monday is a perfectly normal day.You've got about two thousand more of them. Count them.
  2. 02Rise and grind.Your teeth have been grinding all night. Your dentist bought a boat.
  3. 03Every Monday you swear this week will be different.You've sworn it nine hundred times. The week stopped listening.
  4. 04Monday morning has the energy of a printer that knows you're in a hurry.The printer has better job security.
  5. 05The weekend is two days long.Monday is nine emotional days long, and you're paid for one.
  6. 06Your alarm didn't wake you.The dread did. It doesn't have a snooze button.
  7. 07Start the week strong.Or at 9:14, camera off, pretending your face is a buffering icon.
  8. 08Nobody has ever said "thank goodness it's Monday".Except a manager, and he meant your Monday, not his.
  9. 09Mondays aren't so bad.They're just Sundays that opened their bank statement.
  10. 10The first email you open on Monday is a reply-all from Friday.Forty replies. Four mention you. None kindly.
  11. 11Monday motivation is a myth.Like the Loch Ness Monster, a clean office microwave, or your retirement.
  12. 12Coffee doesn't fix Monday.It just makes sure you're fully conscious for it.
  13. 13Monday has its own support group.The group is everyone. The meetings are also on Monday.
  14. 14Your Sunday-night plan for Monday was ambitious.Monday read it, laughed, and forwarded it to Tuesday.
  15. 15"It's only Monday" is the most threatening sentence in English.It will be only Monday every week for the rest of your working life.
  16. 16Monday is a core collaboration day. As, it turns out, is every day ending in y, right up until the all-hands where they mention you in the past tense.
  17. 17You flipped a water bottle on Monday morning just to feel something.It landed. Enjoy that. It's the last thing this week that will.

RELATED READING (DON’T)

Why Monday Keeps Happening (And Will Until You Don’t)Productivity · 3 min read · An investigation into the only appointment you never booked and will attend until the…Why Your Weekend Lasts 14 Minutes (And Your Life Is Mostly Weekdays)Adulting · 3 min read · A minute-by-minute autopsy of where Saturday and Sunday actually went. They're not coming back.The Five Stages of a Quick Sync (A Grief Model for Your Calendar)Corporate Sadist · 2 min read · It was supposed to take five minutes. It now has its own calendar series…

YOU’VE BEEN WARNED

Keep falling.

It doesn’t get better. It does get funnier.

COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY STATISTICNo. 001

100%

of ideas pitched to a chatbot were described as "great". Including the vending machine for soup, which has since cost its founder his savings, his marriage and the soup.

SOURCE: INSTITUTE FOR UNEARNED PRAISE

THE SADIST TIMES · GAMINGREAD →

FORTNITE PLAYER FINISHES BATTLE PASS, FEELS SLIGHTLY LESS EMPTY FOR FOUR SECONDS

Tier 100 reached after 92 hours. The feeling lasted until the next season was announced.

PROPHECY · 15 SECONDSTOOL

Future Predictor

See where your life is going. Bring snacks. Lower your expectations.

SEE THE FUTURE →

QUOTE · AGINGNo. 004

2026 is the new 2016. Your knees did not get the memo. Your knees are getting different memos now, mostly from a specialist.

BAD ADVICENo. 005

How to Budget (And Watch the Numbers Leave)

  1. Download a budgeting spreadsheet.
  2. Enter all of your income. It takes one row.
  3. Enter all of your expenses. It takes four tabs.

QUOTE · FITNESSNo. 006

Your step counter used to set goals.

Now it just sends "Hello?" like a relative checking you're still alive.

HALL OF BAD DECISIONS · EXHIBITNo. 007

Biscuits

A colleague's elderly dog, Biscuit, had passed away and I wanted to send something kind. I typed "So sorry about Biscuit." My phone changed…

CONFESSED BY ANONYMOUS

QUOTE · MONDAYNo. 008

Nobody has ever said "thank goodness it's Monday".

Except a manager, and he meant your Monday, not his.

LOADING MORE DISAPPOINTMENT…

you could stop. you won’t.

ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP. STILL MORE ACCURATE THAN YOUR HOROSCOPE.

Newsletter / Issue No. 444

THE WEEKLY DISAPPOINTMENT

One email a week. Advice you didn't ask for, statistics about your decline, and observations that will quietly ruin your Sunday.

No spam. Just disappointment. Unsubscribe whenever you regain hope.