WASHINGTON —
Both major American parties have declared the midterm elections a success, with officials on each side describing the results as “a clear message from the American people”, despite votes still being counted in several states.
A statement from one party said voters had “rejected the other side’s extreme agenda”. A statement from the other party said voters had “rejected the other side’s extreme agenda”. Analysts noted the statements were almost identical, apart from the font.
Each side also described any seats it lost as “local factors”, any seats it won as “a national mood” and any seats still undecided as “very encouraging”.
Political scientists say the ritual is a standard part of election week. “No party has ever said ‘we did badly, the voters didn’t like us’,” said a spokesperson for the invented Institute of Spin Studies. “That sentence does not exist. We have looked. We have looked very hard.”
Voters, meanwhile, said they were relieved the adverts had stopped. “I don’t care who won,” said one man in a diner. “I care that my television stopped shouting at me.”
Both parties have already begun fundraising for the next election.
Democracy never sleeps. Neither does the donate button.
This article is satire. The people, places, quotes and studies described are fictional.