LONDON —
An entertainment award ceremony in London has run for four hours and twelve minutes, during which the industry presented 31 trophies, including one for Best Scheduling.
Winners thanked an average of 19 people each, including agents, managers, “the team”, “my glam squad” and, in one case, “the algorithm, honestly”. One winner thanked her lawyer twice, once by name and once with a look.
The ceremony was broadcast live, which organisers said was part of the appeal. “It’s unpredictable,” said a producer. “Nobody knows how long it will last. Especially us.”
A spokesperson for the invented Academy of Thanking Everyone said the length was necessary. “There are so many people to honour,” she said. “Mostly the people giving out the awards. They work very hard on giving them to each other.”
Viewers at home said they enjoyed the first 40 minutes and the bit where a presenter forgot a name.
The award for Best Live Event was presented at 11:58pm, to a room of people checking their phones.
It was presented to the ceremony.
This article is satire. The people, places, quotes and studies described are fictional.