WASHINGTON —
Members of the outgoing US Congress, including dozens who will not be returning in January, have pledged to pass a burst of legislation during the lame-duck session, saying they finally feel “free to act”.
“For two years we couldn’t do anything, because voters might notice,” said one departing member of an invented committee. “Now the voters have spoken. They said they didn’t want me. So I can do whatever I like until January. It’s the most productive I’ve ever felt.”
Members from both parties described the mood as “collegiate”, “warm” and “like the last week of school, but with a defence budget”.
Watchdog groups warned that major spending decisions are often finalised in the final weeks of a Congress. “It’s the only time Washington moves fast,” said a spokesperson for the invented Institute of Late Decisions. “Usually just before the people making them have to leave the building.”
Several outgoing members said they hoped to be remembered for their work. Most have already accepted jobs at firms that lobby the work.
The new Congress is sworn in on 3 January. It will spend the first month blaming the old one.
The old one will be on a beach. It earned it, apparently.
This article is satire. The people, places, quotes and studies described are fictional.