ANTALYA —
Delegates at the COP31 climate summit in Antalya have reached a provisional agreement to agree, and some have already booked flights home to celebrate.
The draft text, seen by an invented Sadist Times reporter who was standing near a printer, “welcomes the progress made”, “notes the urgency of the situation” and “encourages all parties to consider further ambition”, phrases which experts say commit nobody to anything specific.
A delegate from a mid-sized country, who asked not to be named because he had not been asked, said the mood was “cautiously optimistic”. “We have agreed that we should agree,” he said. “That is the hardest part. The second hardest part is the actual agreeing, which we will begin next year.”
Campaigners outside the venue held up signs reading “ACT NOW”. Inside, a working group was formed to define “now”.
A spokesperson for the invented Office of Ambitious Roadmaps said the summit was sending “a very strong signal to the world”. Asked what the signal said, she said it was “a signal of intent”, and that intent is “the first step on the roadmap”.
Negotiations are expected to run past the scheduled finish, as they do most years.
The planet has not been consulted.
PLAY ALONG / COP31 · 9–20 NOVClimate Summit Bingo: every square will happen.GET MY CARD →This article is satire. The people, places, quotes and studies described are fictional.