They're taking time away from social media.
You know because they posted about it eleven times.
— Zack, unqualified
VERIFIEDUNHELPFUL
ABOUT THE SHOWBIZ FILE
Showbiz quotes, for anyone who has read a celebrity statement twice and found no sorry.
Quotes for the Notes-app apology, the four-hour award show, the reality star who was there for the right reasons and the comeback tour on its fourth comeback. No real celebrity is named here. They don't need to be. You will recognise every one of them anyway.
MORE FROM THE SHOWBIZ FILE
YOU’VE BEEN WARNED
Keep falling.
It doesn’t get better. It does get funnier.
COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY STATISTICNo. 001
2.3 seconds
is how long it takes to forget someone's name after they've told you it. They forgot yours in 1.1.
SOURCE: SOCIAL MEMORY LAB, DEFUNDED
THE SADIST TIMES · LOCALREAD →
LOCAL MAN MONEYMAXXES HIS WAY TO $3.12 IN CASHBACK, SPENDS 400 HOURS OF FINITE LIFE DOING IT
Seven cards, four apps and one colour-coded spreadsheet deliver returns described by experts as "technically positive" and by his partner as "the end".
INTERACTIVE · 30 SECONDSTOOL
Court of Bad Decisions
Put your next plan on trial. The verdict is guilty. The sentence is specific.
PLEAD YOUR CASE →QUOTE · SHOWBIZNo. 004
“I'm here for the right reasons.”
The reasons are a teeth-whitening deal and a fake tan.
BAD ADVICENo. 005
How to Go Viral (By Accident, Once, Never Again)
- Study what's trending.
- Make a video with careful lighting and a hook in the first three seconds.
- Post it.
QUOTE · GEN ZNo. 006
You call yourself "a bit of a foodie".
You've ordered the same chicken 64 times this year. The driver knows your dog's name.
HALL OF BAD DECISIONS · EXHIBITNo. 007
The Calming Lamp
It had been a rough week and I'd read one headline too many, so I bought a lamp that "simulates a Scandinavian sunrise" for…
CONFESSED BY ANONYMOUS
QUOTE · SHOWBIZNo. 008
They posted an apology in the Notes app.
It was addressed to the fans. The person they hurt didn't get a screenshot.
LOADING MORE DISAPPOINTMENT…
you could stop. you won’t.
ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP. STILL MORE ACCURATE THAN YOUR HOROSCOPE.
Newsletter / Issue No. 445
THE WEEKLY DISAPPOINTMENT
One email a week. Advice you didn't ask for, statistics about your decline, and observations that will quietly ruin your Sunday.
No spam. Just disappointment. Unsubscribe whenever you regain hope.