“I'm here for the right reasons.”
The reasons are a teeth-whitening deal and a fake tan.
— Zack, unqualified
VERIFIEDUNHELPFUL
ABOUT THE SHOWBIZ FILE
Showbiz quotes, for anyone who has read a celebrity statement twice and found no sorry.
Quotes for the Notes-app apology, the four-hour award show, the reality star who was there for the right reasons and the comeback tour on its fourth comeback. No real celebrity is named here. They don't need to be. You will recognise every one of them anyway.
MORE FROM THE SHOWBIZ FILE
YOU’VE BEEN WARNED
Keep falling.
It doesn’t get better. It does get funnier.
COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY STATISTICNo. 001
2.3 seconds
is how long it takes to forget someone's name after they've told you it. They forgot yours in 1.1.
SOURCE: SOCIAL MEMORY LAB, DEFUNDED
THE SADIST TIMES · WORKPLACEREAD →
AREA MAN'S "QUICK QUESTION" ENTERS FOURTH HOUR; COLLEAGUE'S YOUTH DECLARED LOST
Colleague who said "sure" has missed lunch, two meetings and the changing of the seasons, and will not be compensated.
GENZ · 15 SECONDSTOOL
Group Chat Roles
Type your friends’ names. Zack assigns everyone a role. Send it to the group. Friendships may end.
ASSIGN ROLES →QUOTE · SHOWBIZNo. 004
They're taking time away from social media.
You know because they posted about it eleven times.
BAD ADVICENo. 005
How to Budget (And Watch the Numbers Leave)
- Download a budgeting spreadsheet.
- Enter all of your income. It takes one row.
- Enter all of your expenses. It takes four tabs.
QUOTE · SHOWBIZNo. 006
They posted an apology in the Notes app.
It was addressed to the fans. The person they hurt didn't get a screenshot.
HALL OF BAD DECISIONS · EXHIBITNo. 007
The Escape Room
I suggested an escape room for a first date because I'd read it shows how someone handles pressure. It does. I handled it by…
CONFESSED BY TOM, LEEDS
QUOTE · RED TAPENo. 008
Both parties say this is the most important election of your lifetime.
They said that last time. Your lifetime is very important.
LOADING MORE DISAPPOINTMENT…
you could stop. you won’t.
ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP. STILL MORE ACCURATE THAN YOUR HOROSCOPE.
Newsletter / Issue No. 445
THE WEEKLY DISAPPOINTMENT
One email a week. Advice you didn't ask for, statistics about your decline, and observations that will quietly ruin your Sunday.
No spam. Just disappointment. Unsubscribe whenever you regain hope.