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THE SHOWBIZ FILE / 3 QUOTES / APPROVED BY NOBODY

Showbiz quotes, for anyone who has read a celebrity statement twice and found no sorry.

Quotes for the Notes-app apology, the four-hour award show, the reality star who was there for the right reasons and the comeback tour on its fourth comeback. No real celebrity is named here. They don't need to be. You will recognise every one of them anyway.

Send one to the group chat during the award show. Read one aloud when the Christmas advert finishes and everyone is pretending not to cry. None of this is about any real star; it's about the machine: the statement, the edit, the sponsor and the source close to the star, who is always the star.

ALL 3 SHOWBIZ QUOTES

  1. 01They posted an apology in the Notes app.It was addressed to the fans. The person they hurt didn't get a screenshot.
  2. 02“I'm here for the right reasons.”The reasons are a teeth-whitening deal and a fake tan.
  3. 03They're taking time away from social media.You know because they posted about it eleven times.

RELATED READING (DON’T)

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YOU’VE BEEN WARNED

Keep falling.

It doesn’t get better. It does get funnier.

COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY STATISTICNo. 001

92%

of New Year's resolutions are dead before the Christmas decorations come down. The decorations last longer. They're plastic.

SOURCE: THE JANUARY SOCIETY (MEMBERSHIP LAPSED)

THE SADIST TIMES · SCIENCEREAD →

STUDY FINDS PEOPLE WHO SAY "LET'S CATCH UP SOON" HAVE NO INTENTION OF DOING SO, EVER

Researchers say the phrase now functions as a polite way of saying goodbye forever, which, statistically, it is.

GENZ · 90 SECONDSTOOL

Make Your Character

Twelve questions, one trading card, six stats. Your stats are not good, bestie.

MAKE YOURS →

QUOTE · SHOWBIZNo. 004

They're taking time away from social media.

You know because they posted about it eleven times.

BAD ADVICENo. 005

How to Start Going to the Gym (And Keep Paying for It)

  1. Sign up for a 12-month membership in January.
  2. Buy matching workout clothes.
  3. Go three times.

QUOTE · SHOWBIZNo. 006

They posted an apology in the Notes app.

It was addressed to the fans. The person they hurt didn't get a screenshot.

HALL OF BAD DECISIONS · EXHIBITNo. 007

The Wrong Window

I'd been using a chatbot all morning to help write a firm-but-polite email to my landlord. I was also messaging my sister. I meant…

CONFESSED BY RACHEL, NORWICH

QUOTE · MONEYNo. 008

Your financial advisor is a spreadsheet you opened once in January.

It's been screaming quietly ever since.

LOADING MORE DISAPPOINTMENT…

you could stop. you won’t.

ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP. STILL MORE ACCURATE THAN YOUR HOROSCOPE.

Newsletter / Issue No. 445

THE WEEKLY DISAPPOINTMENT

One email a week. Advice you didn't ask for, statistics about your decline, and observations that will quietly ruin your Sunday.

No spam. Just disappointment. Unsubscribe whenever you regain hope.