The battle pass costs £9.99 a season.
Your childhood cost nothing and had better rewards.
— Zack, unqualified
VERIFIEDUNHELPFUL
ABOUT THE GAMING FILE
Gaming quotes, for anyone whose backlog will outlive them.
Quotes for the battle pass you bought on day one, the sale that added 41 games to a library you will never finish, and the match that was meant to be your last one at 11pm. Zack has read the patch notes. He has also seen the shop. He would like a word with the shop.
MORE FROM THE GAMING FILE
- 01“Just one more game” of FIFA was the most dishonest sentence in the English language.Then they renamed it. The sentence survived.
- 02Fortnite was free to play.It was not free to stop.
- 03You pre-ordered it for the cape.The cape is now £3.99 for everyone else.
- 04You bought 41 games in the Steam sale.You will play two. The other 39 will outlive you.
YOU’VE BEEN WARNED
Keep falling.
It doesn’t get better. It does get funnier.
COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY STATISTICNo. 001
1 in 6
people have rehearsed an argument in the shower. All of them won. In real life, all of them said "fair enough."
SOURCE: HYPOTHETICAL DEBATE LEAGUE
THE SADIST TIMES · TECHNOLOGYREAD →
WOMAN THANKS HELPFUL AI CHATBOT, DISCOVERS IT WAS A MAN CALLED KEITH IN A SPARE ROOM WHO THOUGHT SHE WAS WRONG THE WHOLE TIME
Assistant that answered 400 questions "with unusual warmth and occasional spelling mistakes" turns out to be 58, retired, very good at typing and privately unimpressed.
INTERACTIVE · 20 SECONDSTOOL
Should I Text Them?
Zack weighs up the evidence and gives a verdict you will ignore.
ASK ZACK →QUOTE · GEN ZNo. 004
You have 2,000 followers and nobody to help you move.
Your audience is very engaged. Just not with lifting a sofa.
BAD ADVICENo. 005
How to Ask for a Raise and Get an Adjective
- Research industry salaries.
- Discover you're underpaid by a figure you won't recover from emotionally.
- Rehearse your pitch in the car, in a car park, for forty minutes.
QUOTE · GAMINGNo. 006
You pre-ordered it for the cape.
The cape is now £3.99 for everyone else.
HALL OF BAD DECISIONS · EXHIBITNo. 007
Biscuits
A colleague's elderly dog, Biscuit, had passed away and I wanted to send something kind. I typed "So sorry about Biscuit." My phone changed…
CONFESSED BY ANONYMOUS
QUOTE · GAMINGNo. 008
Fortnite was free to play.
It was not free to stop.
LOADING MORE DISAPPOINTMENT…
you could stop. you won’t.
ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP. STILL MORE ACCURATE THAN YOUR HOROSCOPE.
Newsletter / Issue No. 444
THE WEEKLY DISAPPOINTMENT
One email a week. Advice you didn't ask for, statistics about your decline, and observations that will quietly ruin your Sunday.
No spam. Just disappointment. Unsubscribe whenever you regain hope.