You bought 41 games in the Steam sale.
You will play two. The other 39 will outlive you.
— Zack, unqualified
VERIFIEDUNHELPFUL
ABOUT THE GAMING FILE
Gaming quotes, for anyone whose backlog will outlive them.
Quotes for the battle pass you bought on day one, the sale that added 41 games to a library you will never finish, and the match that was meant to be your last one at 11pm. Zack has read the patch notes. He has also seen the shop. He would like a word with the shop.
MORE FROM THE GAMING FILE
- 01The battle pass costs £9.99 a season.Your childhood cost nothing and had better rewards.
- 02“Just one more game” of FIFA was the most dishonest sentence in the English language.Then they renamed it. The sentence survived.
- 03Fortnite was free to play.It was not free to stop.
- 04You pre-ordered it for the cape.The cape is now £3.99 for everyone else.
YOU’VE BEEN WARNED
Keep falling.
It doesn’t get better. It does get funnier.
COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY STATISTICNo. 001
1 in 6
people have rehearsed an argument in the shower. All of them won. In real life, all of them said "fair enough."
SOURCE: HYPOTHETICAL DEBATE LEAGUE
THE SADIST TIMES · TECHNOLOGYREAD →
PHONE UPDATE MOVES EVERY BUTTON USER HAD ONLY JUST LEARNED; MANUFACTURER CALLS IT "DELIGHT"
Overnight software improvement leaves local woman unable to turn off torch for six hours and a very large company extremely pleased with itself.
GENZ · 30 SECONDSTOOL
The Aura Bank
Your monthly aura statement. Please sit down before reading.
OPEN STATEMENT →QUOTE · GAMINGNo. 004
You pre-ordered it for the cape.
The cape is now £3.99 for everyone else.
BAD ADVICENo. 005
How to Start a Side Hustle and Lose Money at Night
- Identify a passion.
- Buy $600 of equipment for the passion.
- Make a logo.
QUOTE · GEN ZNo. 006
You said "it's giving" about your own life.
It's giving overdraft. It's giving rent arrears. It's giving a group chat that muted you.
HALL OF BAD DECISIONS · EXHIBITNo. 007
The Throwback Trip
Four of us recreated a holiday we'd taken in 2016: same town, same apartment, same matching T-shirts. The apartment had been renovated into somewhere…
CONFESSED BY ANONYMOUS
QUOTE · LIFENo. 008
You typed "speak to an agent" nine times.
The bot sent you a help article about speaking to agents. The agents were let go in March.
LOADING MORE DISAPPOINTMENT…
you could stop. you won’t.
ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP. STILL MORE ACCURATE THAN YOUR HOROSCOPE.
Newsletter / Issue No. 444
THE WEEKLY DISAPPOINTMENT
One email a week. Advice you didn't ask for, statistics about your decline, and observations that will quietly ruin your Sunday.
No spam. Just disappointment. Unsubscribe whenever you regain hope.