You pre-ordered it for the cape.
The cape is now £3.99 for everyone else.
— Zack, unqualified
VERIFIEDUNHELPFUL
ABOUT THE GAMING FILE
Gaming quotes, for anyone whose backlog will outlive them.
Quotes for the battle pass you bought on day one, the sale that added 41 games to a library you will never finish, and the match that was meant to be your last one at 11pm. Zack has read the patch notes. He has also seen the shop. He would like a word with the shop.
MORE FROM THE GAMING FILE
- 01You bought 41 games in the Steam sale.You will play two. The other 39 will outlive you.
- 02The battle pass costs £9.99 a season.Your childhood cost nothing and had better rewards.
- 03“Just one more game” of FIFA was the most dishonest sentence in the English language.Then they renamed it. The sentence survived.
- 04Fortnite was free to play.It was not free to stop.
YOU’VE BEEN WARNED
Keep falling.
It doesn’t get better. It does get funnier.
COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY STATISTICNo. 001
38%
of walks to the kitchen end with no memory of what the walk was for. The figure rises every year. So does your age. Coincidence has been ruled out.
SOURCE: DOORWAY AMNESIA FOUNDATION
THE SADIST TIMES · GEN ZREAD →
NETHER STOWFIELD TEEN DESCRIBES OWN BEDROOM AS 'MY OFFICE', 'MY STUDIO' AND 'MY GYM', HAS NOT LEFT IT SINCE FRIDAY
Room also serves as a cinema, a restaurant and, at 3am, a philosophy department.
GENERATOR · 5 SECONDSTOOL
Quote Generator
Fresh demotivation on demand. Unlimited. Like your excuses.
GENERATE ONE →QUOTE · GAMINGNo. 004
You bought 41 games in the Steam sale.
You will play two. The other 39 will outlive you.
BAD ADVICENo. 005
How to Use AI to Do Your Job Until It Does It Without You
- Ask the AI to write your report.
- Receive a confident, well-formatted report.
- Notice it has invented a colleague named Gerald.
QUOTE · FITNESSNo. 006
They say sweat is weakness leaving the body.
Yours has decided to stay.
HALL OF BAD DECISIONS · EXHIBITNo. 007
Kettle Soup
We'd been best friends for ten years, so moving in together felt obvious. It took six days to discover he heats soup in the…
CONFESSED BY ANONYMOUS
QUOTE · WORKNo. 008
The return to office is completely optional.
So was the badge-swipe leaderboard, and yet there you are, ranked 41st. They're "reviewing" 41st.
LOADING MORE DISAPPOINTMENT…
you could stop. you won’t.
ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP. STILL MORE ACCURATE THAN YOUR HOROSCOPE.
Newsletter / Issue No. 444
THE WEEKLY DISAPPOINTMENT
One email a week. Advice you didn't ask for, statistics about your decline, and observations that will quietly ruin your Sunday.
No spam. Just disappointment. Unsubscribe whenever you regain hope.