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THE GAMING FILE / 5 QUOTES / APPROVED BY NOBODY

Gaming quotes, for anyone whose backlog will outlive them.

Quotes for the battle pass you bought on day one, the sale that added 41 games to a library you will never finish, and the match that was meant to be your last one at 11pm. Zack has read the patch notes. He has also seen the shop. He would like a word with the shop.

Send one to the squad. They will read it in the lobby and say nothing, which is how they say everything. None of this is a judgement on games. Games are brilliant. It is a judgement on the £9.99 list of chores sold alongside them, and on the part of you that keeps buying it. The update is downloading. You have time to read a few more.

ALL 5 GAMING QUOTES

  1. 01You bought 41 games in the Steam sale.You will play two. The other 39 will outlive you.
  2. 02The battle pass costs £9.99 a season.Your childhood cost nothing and had better rewards.
  3. 03“Just one more game” of FIFA was the most dishonest sentence in the English language.Then they renamed it. The sentence survived.
  4. 04Fortnite was free to play.It was not free to stop.
  5. 05You pre-ordered it for the cape.The cape is now £3.99 for everyone else.

RELATED READING (DON’T)

Battle Pass Patch Notes: What Fortnite, Call of Duty and Every ‘Free’ Game Won’t Tell YouPatch Notes · 3 min read · One hundred tiers of progress, carefully designed so you never finish them.Battle Pass Patch Notes: What Fortnite, Call of Duty and Every ‘Free’ Game Won’t Tell YouPatch Notes · 3 min read · One hundred tiers of progress, carefully designed so you never finish them.Battle Pass Patch Notes: What Fortnite, Call of Duty and Every ‘Free’ Game Won’t Tell YouPatch Notes · 3 min read · One hundred tiers of progress, carefully designed so you never finish them.

YOU’VE BEEN WARNED

Keep falling.

It doesn’t get better. It does get funnier.

COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY STATISTICNo. 001

17

browser tabs is the point at which a person stops being productive and becomes a museum nobody visits.

SOURCE: DIGITAL CLUTTER TASKFORCE

THE SADIST TIMES · GEN ZREAD →

GEN Z WORKER QUIETLY QUITS, EMPLOYER QUIETLY NOTICES NOTHING

Productivity figures for the period described by management as “basically the same, maybe better.”

GENERATOR · 1 MINUTETOOL

Meme Generator

Put Zack’s face on your problems. Download, share, regret.

MAKE A MEME →

QUOTE · PARENTINGNo. 004

Your teenager isn't ignoring everyone.

Just you. You're saved in their phone as "Do Not Answer".

BAD ADVICENo. 005

How to Budget (And Watch the Numbers Leave)

  1. Download a budgeting spreadsheet.
  2. Enter all of your income. It takes one row.
  3. Enter all of your expenses. It takes four tabs.

QUOTE · LOVENo. 006

"We should get dinner sometime" is a beautiful promise.

One of you will die first. It'll still be pending.

HALL OF BAD DECISIONS · EXHIBITNo. 007

Car Trouble

I told a friend I couldn't come to her birthday because my car had broken down. She offered to pick me up. I said…

CONFESSED BY SAM, EXETER

QUOTE · GAMINGNo. 008

You bought 41 games in the Steam sale.

You will play two. The other 39 will outlive you.

LOADING MORE DISAPPOINTMENT…

you could stop. you won’t.

ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP. STILL MORE ACCURATE THAN YOUR HOROSCOPE.

Newsletter / Issue No. 444

THE WEEKLY DISAPPOINTMENT

One email a week. Advice you didn't ask for, statistics about your decline, and observations that will quietly ruin your Sunday.

No spam. Just disappointment. Unsubscribe whenever you regain hope.