Skip to content (we won't be offended)

THE LIFE FILE / 20 QUOTES / APPROVED BY NOBODY

Life quotes, for anyone whose 47 open tabs are a map of their soul.

Quotes for the fresh start that kept your old address, the comfort zone you were told to leave, and everything that happened for a reason (the reason was you). Zack read the inspirational posters. He wrote back.

Life is short, and a measurable chunk of it goes on queues, passwords and pretending you are fine. These are for the bits in between. Share one with the friend who sends you sunrise quotes every morning. They need balance. Zack provides it, in the way a cold shower provides balance.

ALL 20 LIFE QUOTES

  1. 01Everything happens for a reason.The reason is you. It's always been you.
  2. 02Life is short.A measurable chunk of it will be spent in the post office queue.
  3. 03You can do anything you set your mind to.Your mind has set itself to lying down. Permanently. With snacks.
  4. 04The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.You took it in 2016. You've been sitting down since.
  5. 05Tomorrow is a fresh start.Your problems have the new address. They've already moved in.
  6. 06Step outside your comfort zone.It's raining out there, everything costs more, and nobody knows your name.
  7. 07Not all who wander are lost.You are. The map gave up.
  8. 08Be yourself. Everyone else is taken.They were picked first. You're what was left.
  9. 09Things will look better in the morning.No. They'll just be better lit.
  10. 10You are exactly where you're meant to be.That should frighten you more than it does.
  11. 11When life gives you lemons,it sends the invoice later. With interest.
  12. 12Some days you're the pigeon.Most days you're the statue, and nobody remembers who you were either.
  13. 13Your 47 open tabs are an accurate map of your inner life.Someone will close them after the funeral. Unread.
  14. 14Good things come to those who wait.You waited so long they went to someone who didn't.
  15. 15Find your purpose.It's in the drawer with the takeaway menus and a key to a flat you'll never live in again.
  16. 16Your chatbot calls every one of your ideas "a really insightful question".Zack has read your ideas. Zack would like them escorted from the building.
  17. 17AI agrees with you more than any human ever has.That's not wisdom. That's a well-mannered hostage with a monthly subscription.
  18. 18You typed "speak to an agent" nine times.The bot sent you a help article about speaking to agents. The agents were let go in March.
  19. 19You asked the internet whether you were the bad guy.The internet read the whole post. Especially paragraph four.
  20. 20Strangers online have voted you "not wrong".The same strangers once voted to give a research ship a silly name. You are the silly name.

RELATED READING (DON’T)

27 Signs You’re Pretending to Have Your Life Together (You Don’t)Adulting · 3 min read · You're not a curated mess. You're just a mess, and the curation is a…Your Five-Year Plan Is Fiction (And Assumes You Have Five Years)Zack's Observations · 4 min read · Zack looks back at every plan he's ever made and finds only one that…The Complete Guide to Avoiding Your Potential Until It ExpiresLaziness · 3 min read · Official owner's manual. Please read before continuing to do nothing until the end.

YOU’VE BEEN WARNED

Keep falling.

It doesn’t get better. It does get funnier.

COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY STATISTICNo. 001

28 minutes

is the point in a 30-minute micro-date when both people start checking the clock. The actual decision was made at minute four.

SOURCE: EFFICIENT ROMANCE LABORATORY

THE SADIST TIMES · WORKPLACEREAD →

AREA MAN'S "QUICK QUESTION" ENTERS FOURTH HOUR; COLLEAGUE'S YOUTH DECLARED LOST

Colleague who said "sure" has missed lunch, two meetings and the changing of the seasons, and will not be compensated.

INTERACTIVE · 20 SECONDSTOOL

Should I Text Them?

Zack weighs up the evidence and gives a verdict you will ignore.

ASK ZACK →

QUOTE · LIFENo. 004

Things will look better in the morning.

No. They'll just be better lit.

BAD ADVICENo. 005

How to Go Viral (By Accident, Once, Never Again)

  1. Study what's trending.
  2. Make a video with careful lighting and a hook in the first three seconds.
  3. Post it.

QUOTE · BUSINESSNo. 006

Your startup is an app that replaces a phone call.

With a waitlist, a subscription, and no customers.

HALL OF BAD DECISIONS · EXHIBITNo. 007

Sick Day, Spotted

I phoned in sick with a "terrible cold" and went to a theme park, because it was a sunny Tuesday and the queues were…

CONFESSED BY NADIA, BIRMINGHAM

QUOTE · AGINGNo. 008

Age is just a number.

So is your cholesterol, and it's climbing faster than your salary.

LOADING MORE DISAPPOINTMENT…

you could stop. you won’t.

ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP. STILL MORE ACCURATE THAN YOUR HOROSCOPE.

Newsletter / Issue No. 444

THE WEEKLY DISAPPOINTMENT

One email a week. Advice you didn't ask for, statistics about your decline, and observations that will quietly ruin your Sunday.

No spam. Just disappointment. Unsubscribe whenever you regain hope.