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THE PARENTING FILE / 15 QUOTES / APPROVED BY NOBODY

Parenting quotes, for anyone who just said “because I said so”.

Quotes for the cold crusts eaten standing up, the toddler who negotiates better than your union, the teenager who has you saved as “Do Not Answer”, and the moment you hear your own parent come out of your mouth. Zack has never been put in charge of a child. Nobody has ever regretted that.

Parenting is the only job where the review comes twenty years later, from a therapist. Share one in the school WhatsApp group if you would like to become a legend or an outcast, possibly both. Zack salutes you. He does it quietly, so nobody wakes up.

ALL 15 PARENTING QUOTES

  1. 01Children are a blessing.They're also why the remote is in the bin and your savings are in the past tense.
  2. 02Sleep when the baby sleeps.Also pay the mortgage when the baby pays the mortgage.
  3. 03Every parent has a favourite child.It's whichever one isn't currently talking.
  4. 04Kids grow up so fast.Except between 5pm and bedtime, when time stops and you age a decade.
  5. 05You wanted a mini-me.You got a tiny negotiator who has never once lost to you.
  6. 06Parenting is ten percent loveand ninety percent asking where the other shoe is. Then they leave and take both.
  7. 07Your toddler has stronger opinions about sock seamsthan you've had about anything since 2011.
  8. 08Quality family time:everyone on a different screen in the same room, harvested by the same algorithm.
  9. 09"It's just a phase" is a phrase you'll say for eighteen years.You're the phase they'll describe to a therapist.
  10. 10You swore you'd never sound like your parents.You just said "because I said so" in your dad's exact voice. He lives in you now.
  11. 11The house will be tidy again one day.The day they move out. Tidy, silent, and you'll hate every inch of it.
  12. 12Your teenager isn't ignoring everyone.Just you. You're saved in their phone as "Do Not Answer".
  13. 13Parenthood is a long journeyfrom "mama" to "can you send money" to them choosing your care home.
  14. 14A tidy playroom lasts exactly as long as it takes to photograph.The photo will outlast your sanity.
  15. 15Being a parent means eating cold crusts standing up and calling it dinner.You'll eat standing up for eighteen years. Then sit down and forget how.

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YOU’VE BEEN WARNED

Keep falling.

It doesn’t get better. It does get funnier.

COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY STATISTICNo. 001

80%

of productivity apps are downloaded while avoiding work. The app then sends a reminder. You avoid that too.

SOURCE: PROCRASTINATION TECHNOLOGY BOARD

THE SADIST TIMES · GAMINGREAD →

FORTNITE PLAYER FINISHES BATTLE PASS, FEELS SLIGHTLY LESS EMPTY FOR FOUR SECONDS

Tier 100 reached after 92 hours. The feeling lasted until the next season was announced.

GENZ · 60 SECONDSTOOL

The Delulu Detector

Type your plan. Get a delulu score and the exact distance between you and reality.

MEASURE MY DELULU →

QUOTE · PARENTINGNo. 004

A tidy playroom lasts exactly as long as it takes to photograph.

The photo will outlast your sanity.

BAD ADVICENo. 005

How to Win an Argument (Alone, Years Later)

  1. Gather facts, statistics and a calm, reasonable tone.
  2. Present them clearly.
  3. Watch the other person not care, visibly, while checking their phone.

QUOTE · PARENTINGNo. 006

Children are a blessing.

They're also why the remote is in the bin and your savings are in the past tense.

HALL OF BAD DECISIONS · EXHIBITNo. 007

Stuck In The Bot

I was late for a family lunch and said I was stuck on the phone with my bank's chatbot. My mum asked how long.…

CONFESSED BY ANONYMOUS

QUOTE · PARENTINGNo. 008

You wanted a mini-me.

You got a tiny negotiator who has never once lost to you.

LOADING MORE DISAPPOINTMENT…

you could stop. you won’t.

ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP. STILL MORE ACCURATE THAN YOUR HOROSCOPE.

Newsletter / Issue No. 444

THE WEEKLY DISAPPOINTMENT

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