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THE WORK FILE / 20 QUOTES / APPROVED BY NOBODY

Work quotes, for anyone whose Monday started on Sunday night.

Quotes for the open-plan office, the hybrid week that is somehow five days, and the meeting that could have been an email that is now a recurring meeting. Zack has read your job description. He has also met your manager. He is sorry about both.

Use them in the team chat at your own risk. Print one for the kitchen and it will outlive your contract. Zack does not do motivational posters. He does the poster that goes up after the restructure, when everyone has stopped pretending the beanbags were a benefit. If one of these made you laugh at your desk, look up. Someone saw. They will mention it in your review.

ALL 20 WORK QUOTES

  1. 01Hard work pays off eventually.It's paying off right now. Your boss just bought a boat.
  2. 02Some meetings could have been an email.You'll spend four years of your one life in them. Nobody took minutes.
  3. 03Your desk plant is the only thing in the office still growing.When you leave, someone will fight over the plant.
  4. 04Dress for the job you want.The job you have will see you in at nine, in a lanyard, until retirement or restructure. Bet on restructure.
  5. 05"Per my last email" is the closest you'll ever get to a duel.You'll still lose.
  6. 06You are a valued member of the team.So was the last person in your chair. Nobody knows where she went.
  7. 07Your out-of-office reply is the most confident thing you wrote all year.Nobody noticed you were gone.
  8. 08Work smarter, not harder.You've chosen neither, and HR has a folder.
  9. 09It's not a career ladder.It's a hamster wheel. The hamster has a LinkedIn and more endorsements than you.
  10. 10You've been "circling back" since March.At this point you're space debris.
  11. 11Teamwork makes the dream work.It also means six people are ready to blame you. In writing.
  12. 12Unlimited holiday is a lovely policy.The company did the maths on your guilt, and the maths was right.
  13. 13Your inbox reached zero once.The server was down. You were briefly free and didn't notice.
  14. 14The light at the end of the tunnel is someone asking, "Can you see my screen?"You can. You always will.
  15. 15Nobody notices when you do your job well.Everyone notices when you leave at 5:01. Your retirement will get a shorter email.
  16. 16The return to office is completely optional.So was the badge-swipe leaderboard, and yet there you are, ranked 41st. They're "reviewing" 41st.
  17. 17Core collaboration days started as Tuesday. They now include Wednesday, Thursday, a Friday that's "just for vibes" and, according to the forecast, the rest of your working life.
  18. 18Someone laminated an "Acceptable Behaviour" poster for the office kitchen.It will still be on that wall long after your name is off the door.
  19. 19Your boss hasn't taken a sick day in ten years.He has, however, given out about forty.
  20. 20The in-office lunch is optional.The man with the clipboard and no sandwich is writing down who didn't come. Then who did, but looked replaceable.

RELATED READING (DON’T)

We Are Not a Family, Gary: The Lie Every Company TellsCorporate Sadist · 2 min read · An essay on the speech every company gives right before it does something no…Hybrid Creep: A Timeline of the Office Slowly Repossessing My WeekCorporate Sadist · 3 min read · Nobody mandated anything. The optional lunches simply ate the week, then the year, then…17 Signs Your Job Is Slowly Destroying You (It’s Not Even Rushing)Corporate Culture · 3 min read · Nothing dramatic. Just a steady erosion, like a cliff that's been cc'd on everything.

YOU’VE BEEN WARNED

Keep falling.

It doesn’t get better. It does get funnier.

COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY STATISTICNo. 001

12 minutes

is the average length of a "quick" voice note. It may be the only recording of your voice that survives you. It's about a car park.

SOURCE: VOICE NOTE ACCOUNTABILITY GROUP

THE SADIST TIMES · WORKPLACEREAD →

COMPANY'S "FULLY OPTIONAL" OFFICE DAYS NOW INCLUDE ALTERNATE SATURDAYS AND STAFF MEMORIALS

Management insists there is no return-to-office mandate, merely a growing number of days on which being in the office is "strongly celebrated" and being absent is…

GENZ · 15 SECONDSTOOL

Group Chat Roles

Type your friends’ names. Zack assigns everyone a role. Send it to the group. Friendships may end.

ASSIGN ROLES →

QUOTE · WORKNo. 004

Nobody notices when you do your job well.

Everyone notices when you leave at 5:01. Your retirement will get a shorter email.

BAD ADVICENo. 005

How to Go Viral (By Accident, Once, Never Again)

  1. Study what's trending.
  2. Make a video with careful lighting and a hook in the first three seconds.
  3. Post it.

QUOTE · WORKNo. 006

The return to office is completely optional.

So was the badge-swipe leaderboard, and yet there you are, ranked 41st. They're "reviewing" 41st.

HALL OF BAD DECISIONS · EXHIBITNo. 007

I Ordered For Both Of Us

I'd seen a film where a man orders for his date and it looked confident. So at a tapas place I ordered for both…

CONFESSED BY ANONYMOUS

QUOTE · MONDAYNo. 008

Rise and grind.

Your teeth have been grinding all night. Your dentist bought a boat.

LOADING MORE DISAPPOINTMENT…

you could stop. you won’t.

ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP. STILL MORE ACCURATE THAN YOUR HOROSCOPE.

Newsletter / Issue No. 444

THE WEEKLY DISAPPOINTMENT

One email a week. Advice you didn't ask for, statistics about your decline, and observations that will quietly ruin your Sunday.

No spam. Just disappointment. Unsubscribe whenever you regain hope.