Skip to content (we won't be offended)

THE FITNESS FILE / 17 QUOTES / APPROVED BY NOBODY

Fitness quotes, for anyone whose gym membership is mostly guilt.

Quotes for the January plan that ended on the fourth, the step counter that now just checks you are alive, and the yoga mat the cat has taken over. Zack supports your fitness journey. He has seen where it goes.

Some people need a coach who shouts. Zack is the coach who sighs. Share one with the friend posting their 5am run, as balance. Read one between sets, if you ever get to a set. Your resting heart rate is excellent. It has had nothing else to do.

ALL 17 FITNESS QUOTES

  1. 01No pain, no gain.You chose neither. Your heart has noted it in your file.
  2. 02Your gym membership is the most expensive guilt you've ever bought.It renews automatically. So does the guilt.
  3. 03They say sweat is weakness leaving the body.Yours has decided to stay.
  4. 04Your step counter used to set goals.Now it just sends "Hello?" like a relative checking you're still alive.
  5. 05You don't skip leg day.You skip every day. The legs know. The legs are keeping a list.
  6. 06Abs are made in the kitchen.So are toasties. The toasties are undefeated.
  7. 07Running clears your head.Mostly of the idea that you're a runner.
  8. 08Your fitness journey started on the second of January.It ended on the fourth. The trainers still have the tags on.
  9. 09Listen to your body.It's asking for a biscuit and a lie-down. It's been asking for eleven years.
  10. 10The hardest part of working out is getting started.You've made sure it stays the hardest part.
  11. 11You bought the yoga mat.The cat uses it. The cat is more flexible, more mindful and better liked.
  12. 12Some people run marathons.You run late, and you still come last.
  13. 13Consistency is key.You've said "I'll go tomorrow" for three years. It's the only consistent thing about you.
  14. 14Your resting heart rate is excellent.It's had nothing else to do.
  15. 15Beach body ready?The beach has been ready for four billion years. It isn't waiting for you.
  16. 16You reinstalled Pokémon Go to get your steps up.Eleven kilometres later you'd caught three pigeons, a cold and a physio waiting list that will outlive the app.
  17. 17Your fitness app's AI coach called a four-minute walk "incredible progress".It said the same when you opened it by accident. It'll keep saying it after you've gone, if nobody cancels the subscription.

RELATED READING (DON’T)

How to Start Exercising Without Actually Exercising (Your Knees Already Know)Laziness · 3 min read · A complete fitness programme for people who'd like the results delivered and the knees…The Official Scale of Being Tired, Levels 1 to 7 (You Live at Level 4)Aging Department · 2 min read · Calibrated using one adult, three coffees and a sofa that knows his name better…Sleep: A Customer Review, Two Stars, Would Switch Provider If One ExistedAging Department · 1 min read · Used it every night for years. Results have become an insult.

YOU’VE BEEN WARNED

Keep falling.

It doesn’t get better. It does get funnier.

COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY STATISTICNo. 001

1 in 3

people say "you too" when a waiter says "enjoy your meal." The waiter keeps a list. The list is long. You're on it.

SOURCE: RESTAURANT AWKWARDNESS TRUST

THE SADIST TIMES · GEN ZREAD →

22-YEAR-OLD DESCRIBES ANY MILD INCONVENIENCE AS 'TRAUMATISING', INCLUDING A BUS

The bus was four minutes late. It also had a seat.

GENZ · 15 SECONDSTOOL

Group Chat Roles

Type your friends’ names. Zack assigns everyone a role. Send it to the group. Friendships may end.

ASSIGN ROLES →

QUOTE · MONDAYNo. 004

Mondays aren't so bad.

They're just Sundays that opened their bank statement.

BAD ADVICENo. 005

How to Budget (And Watch the Numbers Leave)

  1. Download a budgeting spreadsheet.
  2. Enter all of your income. It takes one row.
  3. Enter all of your expenses. It takes four tabs.

QUOTE · BUSINESSNo. 006

There's no I in team.

There are two in "invoice still unpaid". And one in "insolvency".

HALL OF BAD DECISIONS · EXHIBITNo. 007

I Ordered For Both Of Us

I'd seen a film where a man orders for his date and it looked confident. So at a tapas place I ordered for both…

CONFESSED BY ANONYMOUS

QUOTE · AGINGNo. 008

2026 is the new 2016. Your knees did not get the memo. Your knees are getting different memos now, mostly from a specialist.

LOADING MORE DISAPPOINTMENT…

you could stop. you won’t.

ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP. STILL MORE ACCURATE THAN YOUR HOROSCOPE.

Newsletter / Issue No. 444

THE WEEKLY DISAPPOINTMENT

One email a week. Advice you didn't ask for, statistics about your decline, and observations that will quietly ruin your Sunday.

No spam. Just disappointment. Unsubscribe whenever you regain hope.