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THE BUSINESS FILE / 17 QUOTES / APPROVED BY NOBODY

Business quotes, for anyone whose startup is one person with a logo.

Quotes for the pitch deck, the pivot, the core values printed on the wall so nobody has to have them, and the synergy meeting that merged two confused departments into one. Zack has never founded a company. He has, however, read every LinkedIn post about founding one.

Hustle culture had its turn. This is the follow-up meeting. Share one with the founder who says “we’re like Uber, but for…”. Put one on the slide after the hockey-stick graph. Investors appreciate honesty, in the sense that they have heard of it.

ALL 17 BUSINESS QUOTES

  1. 01Think outside the box.The box had the budget. You're out here with a sticky note.
  2. 02Disrupt the industry.The industry will disrupt you back, then buy your logo for a pound.
  3. 03Your startup is an app that replaces a phone call.With a waitlist, a subscription, and no customers.
  4. 04Move fast and break things.You broke the coffee machine, the budget and your sleep. Series A next.
  5. 05Every great company started in a garage.Yours will end there too. The car's been living outside since launch.
  6. 06Your business plan has three phases:launch, pivot, and letting the domain quietly expire.
  7. 07Synergy is two departments confused about the same thing at once.They'll merge. You'll be the one let go.
  8. 08The customer is always right.The customer is also on hold, forever, which is exactly how the company likes it.
  9. 09Be your own boss.Your new boss naps at 2pm, can't pay you, and has no pension plan.
  10. 10Passive income takes a surprising amount of active effort.Mostly explaining it at parties to people backing away.
  11. 11You're not a CEO.You're one person with a logo, a free email account and nobody to blame.
  12. 12Your company's core values are printed on the wall.So nobody has to have them.
  13. 13"Let's take this offline" means "let's never speak of this again."That's also the plan for your job next quarter.
  14. 14Scale your business.Currently it's you, a laptop, and your mum, who bought one candle out of pity.
  15. 15There's no I in team.There are two in "invoice still unpaid". And one in "insolvency".
  16. 16Your startup is a chatbot that tells customers they're right.Investors loved it. The chatbot told them they would. Then it told them to replace you with it. Very persuasive.
  17. 17Every company now has an AI assistant.It's the only member of staff nobody's asked to come in on Fridays, and the only one getting your job.

RELATED READING (DON’T)

Transcript: ‘It’s Like Uber, But For…’ (A Startup Pitch Nobody Asked For)Developer Sadist · 2 min read · A founder pitches an app idea to a developer. The developer pitches the idea…The Startup Pitch Deck, Slide by Slide: Every Lie in OrderDeveloper Sadist · 2 min read · Ten slides that will change the world, or at least the founder's LinkedIn bio,…Anatomy of a Quick Call: A Post-MortemDeveloper Sadist · 2 min read · A minute-by-minute inquest into the call that was meant to last ten minutes and…

YOU’VE BEEN WARNED

Keep falling.

It doesn’t get better. It does get funnier.

COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY STATISTICNo. 001

0.3%

of savings goals survive contact with a sale. The survivors are later eaten by a boiler.

SOURCE: CONSUMER WILLPOWER REGISTRY

THE SADIST TIMES · WORKPLACEREAD →

COMPANY'S "FULLY OPTIONAL" OFFICE DAYS NOW INCLUDE ALTERNATE SATURDAYS AND STAFF MEMORIALS

Management insists there is no return-to-office mandate, merely a growing number of days on which being in the office is "strongly celebrated" and being absent is…

GENZ · 15 SECONDSTOOL

Group Chat Roles

Type your friends’ names. Zack assigns everyone a role. Send it to the group. Friendships may end.

ASSIGN ROLES →

QUOTE · BUSINESSNo. 004

Synergy is two departments confused about the same thing at once.

They'll merge. You'll be the one let go.

BAD ADVICENo. 005

How to Use AI to Do Your Job Until It Does It Without You

  1. Ask the AI to write your report.
  2. Receive a confident, well-formatted report.
  3. Notice it has invented a colleague named Gerald.

QUOTE · BUSINESSNo. 006

There's no I in team.

There are two in "invoice still unpaid". And one in "insolvency".

HALL OF BAD DECISIONS · EXHIBITNo. 007

Biscuits

A colleague's elderly dog, Biscuit, had passed away and I wanted to send something kind. I typed "So sorry about Biscuit." My phone changed…

CONFESSED BY ANONYMOUS

QUOTE · BUSINESSNo. 008

Scale your business.

Currently it's you, a laptop, and your mum, who bought one candle out of pity.

LOADING MORE DISAPPOINTMENT…

you could stop. you won’t.

ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP. STILL MORE ACCURATE THAN YOUR HOROSCOPE.

Newsletter / Issue No. 444

THE WEEKLY DISAPPOINTMENT

One email a week. Advice you didn't ask for, statistics about your decline, and observations that will quietly ruin your Sunday.

No spam. Just disappointment. Unsubscribe whenever you regain hope.