Skip to content (we won't be offended)

THE LOVE FILE / 20 QUOTES / APPROVED BY NOBODY

Love quotes, for anyone who has rewritten “hey” nine times.

Quotes for the situationship, the dating app, the double text and the partner keeping a note on their phone called “Evidence”. Zack believes in love. He also believes in reading the terms and conditions, and love has a lot of small print.

Send one to the group chat that has been analysing your texts since Tuesday. Send one to your ex if you would like to lose the moral high ground in a single tap. Zack is not here to fix your love life. He is here to describe it accurately, which, in his experience, is far more upsetting.

ALL 20 LOVE QUOTES

  1. 01There's someone out there for everyone.Yours married someone else in 2019. They look happy.
  2. 02Love is patient.Your partner is not, and has started a note on their phone called "Evidence".
  3. 03Your soulmate is out there.Currently leaving someone better on read.
  4. 04Romance isn't dead.It just stopped waiting for a reply to your "hey" from 2022.
  5. 05Being single means nobody steals your duvet.It also means the duvet is the only witness to your life.
  6. 06Dating apps let you meet hundreds of people.All of them are "just seeing where it goes". It goes nowhere. It went nowhere with you twice.
  7. 07True love is choosing the same person every day.They're choosing, daily, whether to mention your chewing.
  8. 08Opposites attract.Then they argue about the thermostat for forty years. Whoever outlives the other finally sets it.
  9. 09Don't settle.Your standards already have. They didn't tell you.
  10. 10Somebody, somewhere, is checking their phone hoping it's you.It's a debt collector.
  11. 11The spark never fades.It gets downgraded to bin bags, then to a joint funeral plan.
  12. 12Love yourself first.Someone has to, and nobody else applied.
  13. 13"We should get dinner sometime" is a beautiful promise.One of you will die first. It'll still be pending.
  14. 14Every relationship has a honeymoon period.Yours was the walk from the bar to the taxi rank. She got in alone.
  15. 15You don't have a type.You have a pattern. Your friends have a group chat about it. You're not in it.
  16. 16He vanished for five months, then texted "haha so true" like he'd just popped to the bar.You replied in four minutes. That's the part he was counting on.
  17. 17Micro-dating is a thirty-minute coffee to see if there's a spark.There wasn't. She knew in four minutes. You paid for both.
  18. 18Clear-coding means stating your intentions up front.Hers was "I have a hard stop at 8:15". Yours was hoping she'd forget. She set an alarm.
  19. 19Wildflowering means letting the relationship grow naturally, with no timeline.It has the growth rate of a fern in a windowless bathroom, and about the same future.
  20. 20Ghostlighting is when someone disappears for eight weeks and comes back with "you've been quiet".You weren't. You were just talking to nobody.

RELATED READING (DON’T)

Wildflowering: An Open Letter to the Person Who Wants to ‘Let It Grow Naturally’ (Month Seven)Relationships · 3 min read · Seven months, no timeline, one toothbrush returned in a sandwich bag, and a streaming…Clear-Coding: Transcript of a First Date That Opened With a Terms Sheet and Ended in a Rejection LetterRelationships · 3 min read · Two people stated their intentions up front. Forty minutes later, nobody had ordered a…Micro-Dating: I Rated My 30-Minute Coffee Date Like a Quarterly Review (We Both Failed)Relationships · 3 min read · Romance, now with a hard stop, a scorecard and a follow-up session that has…

YOU’VE BEEN WARNED

Keep falling.

It doesn’t get better. It does get funnier.

COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY STATISTICNo. 001

61%

of "on my way" texts are sent before the sender has found their shoes. The other 39% before they've decided to come.

SOURCE: PUNCTUALITY RESEARCH GROUP (RUNNING LATE, NOT ARRIVING)

THE SADIST TIMES · GEN ZREAD →

LOCAL ‘SIDE HUSTLE’ POSTS RECORD QUARTER: £11, ALL FROM OWNER'S NAN

Business plan included a logo, a podcast and a five-year forecast. Revenue included one bracelet.

INTERACTIVE · 30 SECONDSTOOL

Court of Bad Decisions

Put your next plan on trial. The verdict is guilty. The sentence is specific.

PLEAD YOUR CASE →

QUOTE · WORKNo. 004

The return to office is completely optional.

So was the badge-swipe leaderboard, and yet there you are, ranked 41st. They're "reviewing" 41st.

BAD ADVICENo. 005

How to Make Friends as an Adult (Statistically, You Won't)

  1. Join a class to "meet new people."
  2. Sit near someone who seems normal.
  3. Talk about the weather for six consecutive weeks.

QUOTE · LOVENo. 006

Love is patient.

Your partner is not, and has started a note on their phone called "Evidence".

HALL OF BAD DECISIONS · EXHIBITNo. 007

The Leaving Speech

I was leaving a job I'd hated for years, so I decided to make a dramatic speech at my leaving drinks. I'd rehearsed it…

CONFESSED BY ANONYMOUS

QUOTE · MONDAYNo. 008

Start the week strong.

Or at 9:14, camera off, pretending your face is a buffering icon.

LOADING MORE DISAPPOINTMENT…

you could stop. you won’t.

ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP. STILL MORE ACCURATE THAN YOUR HOROSCOPE.

Newsletter / Issue No. 444

THE WEEKLY DISAPPOINTMENT

One email a week. Advice you didn't ask for, statistics about your decline, and observations that will quietly ruin your Sunday.

No spam. Just disappointment. Unsubscribe whenever you regain hope.