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THE GEN Z FILE / 60 QUOTES / APPROVED BY NOBODY

Gen Z quotes, for anyone who said “this is my year” in 2019.

Quotes for the soft launch, the social media break you announced on social media, the 5am routine you did once and filmed, and the group chat that went quiet because they made a new one. Zack learned the slang. He uses it better than you, and he is sorry.

Every one of these roasts what people do, never who they are. Screenshot one for your Story. Send one to the friend who is “in their villain era” for returning a coffee. Then go and make your character in the GenZ department, where the stats are not good, bestie.

ALL 60 GEN Z QUOTES

  1. 01You call it a "situationship" because "relationship" would mean someone has to commit to something.They haven't. They've committed to watching your stories within four seconds and replying to nothing.
  2. 02You said you're "so busy" this week.Your screen time says eleven hours a day. Busy is one word for it. Scrolling is the other.
  3. 03You've rewritten that text nine times to sound like you didn't care.It's been delivered. It's been read. It is now the most caring thing anyone has ever ignored.
  4. 04You put "entrepreneur" in your bio.You've sold one pair of trainers on Vinted and still owe your mum for the postage.
  5. 05You manifested your dream job.The universe received the request, checked your CV and moved you to spam.
  6. 06Your 5am routine went viral.You did it once, filmed it, and have slept until 11 every day since. The algorithm doesn't know. Your landlord does.
  7. 07You're "healing your inner child".Your inner child is fine. It's your outer adult that hasn't opened a letter since March.
  8. 08You said you'd "touch grass" this weekend.You took a photo of grass, posted it, and checked how many people liked the grass.
  9. 09You've "romanticised your life".It's a candle, a croissant and a playlist called "main character". The rent is still due, in a minor key.
  10. 10You have 2,000 followers and nobody to help you move.Your audience is very engaged. Just not with lifting a sofa.
  11. 11You "don't do small talk".You also don't do big talk, phone calls, emails or replying. You do "vibes", and nobody can invoice those.
  12. 12You went "no contact" with your ex.You still check their Spotify. They're listening to the same sad songs. About a different person.
  13. 13You quit your job to "find yourself".Found you. You're on your parents' sofa, and the Wi-Fi password has been changed.
  14. 14You have an eleven-step skincare routine.Your sleep schedule has none. The serum is doing its best. It isn't a miracle worker.
  15. 15You got the ick because they ran for a bus.You've been single three years and you run for nothing. Including opportunities.
  16. 16You said "it's giving" about your own life.It's giving overdraft. It's giving rent arrears. It's giving a group chat that muted you.
  17. 17Your therapist said set boundaries.You set one. Then texted them at 2 a.m. to explain it for forty minutes.
  18. 18You call it "quiet quitting".Your manager calls it "the same as before". Nobody can tell the difference. That's the bad news.
  19. 19Your Duolingo owl has stopped threatening you.It's not proud. It's given up. Even the bird has moved on.
  20. 20You're "in your villain era".You returned a lukewarm coffee and apologised four times. Villains have done less damage at a christening.
  21. 21You left them on read "to be mysterious".They didn't notice. They were also being mysterious. You're now two mysteries who will never speak again.
  22. 22You've got a side hustle, a passion project and a podcast.Combined monthly income: $14. Combined listeners: your nan, twice, by accident.
  23. 23You said you're "booked and busy".Booked for a dentist you'll cancel. Busy rewatching a show you've already seen four times.
  24. 24Your soft launch was a hand in a photo.The hard launch never came. The hand has since soft-launched someone else.
  25. 25You put "open to work" on LinkedIn.Six recruiters viewed your profile. Five were bots. The sixth was your ex, checking you're doing worse.
  26. 26You've been "about to start the gym" since January.It's October. The gym has had two owners and a refurb in the time you've been about to.
  27. 27You're "chronically online".Chronic means long-term. You've been online so long your eyes have a loading icon.
  28. 28You have 47 tabs open.Three are jobs you'll never apply for, one's a recipe you'll never cook, and one is playing music from somewhere you can't find.
  29. 29You sent "lol" to avoid having feelings.It worked. You feel nothing, said nothing, and lost the person who asked how you were.
  30. 30Your friends' group chat went quiet.It didn't. They made a new one. Same name, one fewer person.
  31. 31You say you're "an old soul".You're 21. The only old thing about you is your phone's battery health.
  32. 32You have a "comfort show".You've watched it 11 times. You've seen your friends 3.
  33. 33You call yourself "a bit of a foodie".You've ordered the same chicken 64 times this year. The driver knows your dog's name.
  34. 34You got a houseplant to "take care of something".It died. Even the plant had better boundaries than you.
  35. 35You film "Sunday reset" videos.By Tuesday your room has reset itself, to Saturday.
  36. 36You're "taking a social media break".You announced it on social media. Twice. With a carousel.
  37. 37You said you're "built different".You're built the same. Just assembled worse.
  38. 38You have a "5-year plan".It's a Pinterest board. It's mostly kitchens.
  39. 39You "don't believe in labels".You believe in being kept as an option.
  40. 40You're "manifesting abundance".The only thing abundant is your payment reminders.
  41. 41You're "on a gap year".It's your third.
  42. 42You say "it's not that deep" a lot.Your Notes app has 300 entries and every one of them is that deep.
  43. 43You call your mum "for advice".You call her for the Netflix password.
  44. 44You said "we move".You've lived in the same bedroom since you were nine.
  45. 45You're "so random".You've told the same "so random" story at every party since 2022.
  46. 46You hyped your mate's mixtape.You've never listened to it. Neither has anyone. Including your mate.
  47. 47You "romanticise studying".You've filmed it, lit it and soundtracked it. You haven't studied.
  48. 48You said "that's so me" about a horoscope.It also described 600 million other people and a goldfish.
  49. 49Your bio says "foodie, traveller, dreamer".You've been abroad once, and you still talk about the airport.
  50. 50You "work best under pressure".You don't. You just only work under pressure.
  51. 51You "can't do mornings".You also can't do afternoons, evenings or emails.
  52. 52You "speak your truth".Your truth is mostly about the bin rota.
  53. 53You said you "thrive in a fast-paced environment".It took you three days to reply "thanks".
  54. 54You said "this is my year".You've said it since 2019. The years have stopped believing you.
  55. 55You "love deeply".Mostly a fictional man who doesn't know you exist. Neither do his writers.
  56. 56You deleted the app "for good".That was 40 minutes ago. You've reinstalled it and posted about deleting it.
  57. 57You said "my For You page knows me so well".It knows you're awake and lonely at 2 a.m. That's not a gift. That's data.
  58. 58You "grew out of" your old friends.They grew out of waiting for you to reply.
  59. 59You've "found your aesthetic".It's beige. It's always beige.
  60. 60You've "been meaning to" for three years.The thing you meant to do has since been invented, finished and replaced by AI.

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YOU’VE BEEN WARNED

Keep falling.

It doesn’t get better. It does get funnier.

COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY STATISTICNo. 001

65%

of password resets happen because the person was certain they'd remember this one. Your memory is a subscription now, and it's lapsed.

SOURCE: CYBERSECURITY OVERCONFIDENCE PANEL

THE SADIST TIMES · GEN ZREAD →

FRIEND GROUP SPENDS 3 HOURS CHOOSING A RESTAURANT, ORDERS SAME FOOD AS LAST TIME

Shortlist included eleven restaurants, a poll, two vetoes and a nervous breakdown about tapas.

GENZ · 30 SECONDSTOOL

The Aura Bank

Your monthly aura statement. Please sit down before reading.

OPEN STATEMENT →

QUOTE · GEN ZNo. 004

You put "open to work" on LinkedIn.

Six recruiters viewed your profile. Five were bots. The sixth was your ex, checking you're doing worse.

BAD ADVICENo. 005

How to Start a Side Hustle and Lose Money at Night

  1. Identify a passion.
  2. Buy $600 of equipment for the passion.
  3. Make a logo.

QUOTE · LOVENo. 006

True love is choosing the same person every day.

They're choosing, daily, whether to mention your chewing.

HALL OF BAD DECISIONS · EXHIBITNo. 007

The Leaderboard

My office swore there was no return-to-office mandate, then put a screen in reception showing who'd swiped in the most. I was ranked 88th…

CONFESSED BY ANONYMOUS

QUOTE · GEN ZNo. 008

You have a "5-year plan".

It's a Pinterest board. It's mostly kitchens.

LOADING MORE DISAPPOINTMENT…

you could stop. you won’t.

ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP. STILL MORE ACCURATE THAN YOUR HOROSCOPE.

Newsletter / Issue No. 444

THE WEEKLY DISAPPOINTMENT

One email a week. Advice you didn't ask for, statistics about your decline, and observations that will quietly ruin your Sunday.

No spam. Just disappointment. Unsubscribe whenever you regain hope.